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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

May B. Fine:A War for Jobs

The stock market rallied today after the President, in the role of Commander in Chief, announced the military services will be hiring six hundred thousand to one million in his ongoing effort to stimulate the economy and put America's unemployed back to work. He has named his new program, “The War on Unemployment.”

In order to maintain the necessary level of occupying forces in Iraq, and fulfill his campaign pledge to bring the war to Afghanistan, he said the additional forces are critical. “We intend to be prepared, unlike my predecessor, to see that we have the soldiers to keep the peace after the mission's accomplished in Afghanistan.”

The prospect of four more years of Bush foreign policy caused stocks to surge.

The President again likened himself to Franklin Roosevelt, noting the latter's strategic effort to engage the US in World War II, and the fact that it took that war to bring the country out of the Great Depression. “I am prepared to go any distance, create any enemy and spend any amount to restore this nation to the position it was in at the end of the twentieth century.”

The market rally was led by Lockheed, McDonnell-Douglas, Grumman and Boeing. In small cap stocks, the relatively unknown American Casket Co. shot up almost 400%. Analysts attribute the sharp rise to the adopted slogan for the “War on Unemployment,” reprised from the popular song of the 1960s, “Be the first one on your block to have your boy come home in a box.”

Challenged by unruly reporters that his economic stimulus program, stalled in Congress, was too little too late and benefited too few, the Commander in Chief shot back, “You want World War III. I'll give you World War III.”


May B. Fine. Assoc. Editor The New Standard
C. Nowell Eavel and Annie Price contributed to this story.